Hope Floats, Faith Grows

Life is truly like a Slide Show. (INSERT "T.I ft. John Legend - Slide Show" HERE) Lately I've just started thinking about EVERYTHING I experienced in the past year. Sometimes it just straight up exhausts my mind because in some situations I'm STILL trying to figure out where these experiences have left me. I've been able to recognize some if not all lessons that maybe I was supposed to take out of those experiences. Which is great because it's like I see a tell all snapshot of my 'self' and I'm able to acknowledge what I should change and what I should do the same if there is anything. Because of the lessons I'm grateful beyond words for all the experiences. However, I think it is safe to say that some things from the experiences still HAUNT me. And all I want is to get the conclusion that I need to no longer be haunted.

I will say that I am optimistic that my deliverance will come...that I will get the conclusions I seek and that I will be better off...I'm not scared of what the conclusions may bring, just more anxious to reach those conclusions.

Everyday my faith grows. And because of the way life treats me, its so hard for me understand how people go through everyday without any kind of faith. I couldn't make it without my faith and I try and feed my faith whenever possible...so that it will grow, so that it will be more than enough to get me through whatever situation I may face.

More than ever, I get what they mean by hope floating. I always considered myself a hopeful person...hopelessly hopeful for that matter. In two situations that I carried around on my heart for the longest, I eventually lost the hope...buried the hope even. I just figured each one was beyond repair. It's like I got to the point that I felt that things could never be restored to the way that they were or the way they should be...so why not just 'blow it all up.' I think that would have worked if I didn't care so effin much for the people involved in each situation. So because I never stopped caring for them...it's like when I got back to Columbus...the scene of the crimes...eventually the hope started to creep back up to the surface. So many people, places, and things take me back to the better times I experienced with them and so it's like now more than ever...in my heart I really want the record just to be set straight. I'm not sitting here thinking that the relationships I shared with these folks will be restored...but I do think that they can have the conclusions that they need and these folks can know that I see and understand everything that I did wrong, the things that I did that probably hurt them and how truly sorry I am for that....because hurting them was the last thing that I wanted to do. I always had good intentions...I just made bad decisions and didn't pay enough attention to maybe how my decisions would be perceived and absorbed by them. Like I said, as I sit here and write this I'm not thinking that everything will be restored to the ways that they were...but I do have hope that it will make things better...for me, for them...hopefully.

All of this weighs on my heart on top of the other things that my heart deals with daily. How do I get through it? I honestly just believe CONFIDENTLY that God didn't bring me THIS FAR to leave me...and everything I went through and that I'm going through is only happening because He said so. Everyday my faith grows, everyday I see my hope float.

Peace&MuchLove
Jessalaine

Waxing Poetic....a humble attempt

(Note: I never share my 'poetry.' I don't think I'm a poet with my words, rather I lace my prose with eloquence..or try to. However, there are those moments, where prose won't do and my pencil hits paper and produces a 'poem.' LEAVE YOUR FEEDBACK YO!)

Peace&MuchLove
JessalaineJessalaine

"For My Lost Ones"

I'm just letting go

For Once Without Anger

I'd prefer to be a stranger

Really need to close my eyes

Forget the lies, Fuck the Lies

Fuck the Tries, Forget the tries

Forget the truth...Truth forsaken

Far too long, my eyes remained open

Building this burden, building this Burden

Too scared to shut them

Still my eyes I can't condemn

Yet unsure of what's to blame

The Love of the Game?

The Images on Exhibition?

All just wasted convictions, that lead to no Conviction.

So to let go of the Fears

I released some of my Tears.

Never knew that to get by

I would have to cry...

Cry

For the memories lost

Sold at an unfamiliar cost

Cry

And steady Pray on my mistakes stacked

For one chance to take 'em all back

Wonder what took so long

Believing I had to stay strong

Believed my eye had to be on the Prize

Though it cared more about its Disguise

Still had to let go of my Tears

To finally release the Fears

I had to let go

(c) j.e.l